i’ve been watching a lot of things around me dissolve lately. mostly other people’s relationships, both romantic and platonic. everyone seems to be hitting a point in their life where shit don’t fly anymore and they’re freaking out and, while it’s shitty to watch, more than anything it’s scaring me.

i miss being home. i miss spending the summer with my friends and eating dinner with my family. i haven’t gone swimming in years and can’t remember the last time i was on a beach. i’m moving on saturday and i’ll be entering the second year of living on my own (dorms don’t count to me as living on your own). i’m only 20. sometimes it feels like everything in my life has been so rushed, while experiences completely abbreviated. my “party” years, my college experience, my youthful fuck-ups, etc. i’m not sure how i feel about this, but lately i cry a lot. everything from seeing a mother with her child on the subway to listening to my boyfriends heart beat just makes me weep, no matter how hard i try and hide it. i stress easily and i’m anxious all the time. if i go to bed and don’t fall asleep immediately, my mind races with all that i “have’ to do, forcing me to get up and busy myself with mindless chores. i’m not sad, more like confused and trying to feel out how to deal with this new stage in my life. it’s scary. i’m realizing i have no idea what i want to do with my life, that i maybe shouldn’t be double majoring because it’s only causing problems and i’m not even sure i like what i’m majoring in. i need a job desperately. i hate relying on other people for money anymore. it just makes me feel guilty. things like this used to pull me to drinking and smoking and other nasty habits, and it’s hard not having that fallback, no matter how awful it was. i want to finally get my tattoo. it’s something i need (well, want) now more than ever and i need that dose of me in my life. i’m getting tired of only thinking about bills, household chores, school work, internship, and school stuff. i miss me. i miss knowing me and spending time with me. i don’t write anymore, or paint. rarely do i read something not on the internet and i’ve completely neglected to keep up with current events.  4 years ago i would throw a fit if i missed my 2 hours of news coverage a day, on top of reading online every major paper. i’ve become lazy with myself and i need a kick to get back to me. soon i want to start yoga classes up. soon i want to stop crying for no reason. soon i’ll be in a clean, new, beautiful space and i plan on making the most of it.

just spooning with my cat daughter every night and feeling her breathe and having her groom my head to wake me up in the mornings is good for me right now.

@4 months ago